5+ best husband-wife jokes for anyone who has ever been married

If you have ever been married, these jokes might ring true for you!

Husbands. We can't live with them and sometimes we can't live without them. They come in all shapes and sizes and temperaments. 

Sometimes it's a tug-o-war between a husband and wife, but we are sure these jokes will light up your day and make you smile. 

Follow our Twitter account, @amomama_usa, for news, jokes, and more. 


Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."



85% of married life consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the house.


It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.



Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

Husband: A trip to Thailand?

Wife: Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?

Husband: Then I pick you up again.



Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?

Because there’s a wedding going on.

But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?

Exactly, son.



Wife: “I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

Husband: “But honey, what about our child?”

Wife: “What child?!”

Husband: “Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”



I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised to hear it.



A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test.

She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.

Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."

Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”



Son: "Mom, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby?"

Mother: "He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and farts."



Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"

Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."

“What? Why?”

"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."

"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"

The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."


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