8 Hilarious Jokes about Newlyweds That Will Have You Saying 'I Do' to Laughter

Marriage has its serious moments, but let's be honest — sometimes it's downright hilarious. Ready for a good laugh? Dive into these side-splitting jokes about newlyweds.

Being a newlywed is an adventure, full of surprises and quirks that make for great comedy. Whether you're just married, soon to be, or happily single, these jokes capture the funnier side of tying the knot. Let's get started with some laughs!

1. The Better Offer

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom pulled the pastor aside and made an unusual request. "I'll give you $100 if you leave out the part about 'loving, honoring, and obeying' in the vows."

The pastor considered the offer and nodded.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the vows, the pastor looked the groom squarely in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command, serve her breakfast in bed every morning, and swear to never even glance at another woman for as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped, wide-eyed, but managed to squeak out, "Yes."

After the ceremony, he pulled the pastor aside, hissing, "I thought we had a deal!"

The pastor slipped a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a better offer."

2. What's Black and White and Makes You Think Twice?

A little girl was wide-eyed as she watched her first wedding, a grand affair with flowers, music, and a bride in a dazzling white gown. Turning to her mother, she whispered, "Mom, why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Well, sweetheart," her mom explained, "white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The little girl thought about this for a moment, nodding as if it all made sense. But then, with a puzzled look, she asked, "So... why's the groom wearing black?"

Her mom blinked, caught off guard, then chuckled. "Because he's already in mourning, sweetie."

3. The Wisdom of Wedding Videos

One evening, a husband was sitting on the couch, remote in hand, watching their wedding video... but something was off. The wife squinted at the screen and realized he was playing it in reverse!

"Why on earth are you watching it backwards?" she asked, bewildered.

The husband flashed a grin. "Oh, I just love the part where I take the ring off your finger, leave the church, and head straight to the bar with my friends."

4. The Handyman Who Knew His Worth

A newlywed couple had just settled into their new home, and the wife quickly noticed that the place needed some work.

"Honey, the sink's leaking. Could you fix it?" she asked sweetly one evening.

"What do I look like, a plumber?" her husband grumbled, not looking up from his book.

A few days later, the car refused to start. "Honey, I think the car needs a new battery. Can you check it for me?" she asked, a bit more hopeful this time.

"What do I look like, a mechanic?" he muttered, still engrossed in his reading.

Then, during a heavy rainstorm, the roof began to leak. Desperate, she pleaded, "Honey, please! There's water dripping through the ceiling!"

"What do I look like, a handyman?" he snapped.

The next day, the husband came home to find the roof repaired, the sink fixed, and the car purring like a kitten. Astonished, he asked, "How much is this going to cost us?"

The wife smiled. "Nothing. The handyman said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

"Oh, really?" he asked with a smug grin. "So, what kind of cake did you bake?"

She smiled sweetly. "Do I look like Betty Crocker?"

5. The Not-So-Fitting Shoes

It was the day of Sarah and Tom's wedding, and just as Sarah was about to walk down the aisle, she realized something was terribly wrong — she'd forgotten her shoes!

Panic set in, but her sister quickly remembered she had a pair from her own wedding. Crisis averted? Not quite. The shoes were a size too small, and by the end of the day, Sarah's feet were aching like never before.

Later that night, as Sarah and Tom finally escaped to their room, all she could think about was getting those shoes off. Meanwhile, the rest of the family hovered outside the door, ears pressed to the wood, anticipating the newlywed sounds that typically follow a wedding.

"God, that was tight," they heard Tom say.

"There," whispered Sarah's mother. "I told you she was a virgin."

But then Tom's voice came again. "Right, now for the other one." More grunts and groans followed until, at last, Tom exclaimed, "My God, that was even tighter!"

Her father chuckled. "That's my boy! Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

6. The Bride with 10 Ex-Husbands and One Wish

A man had just married a woman who had been through ten previous marriages. On their wedding night, she shyly turned to him and said, "Please, be gentle with me — I'm still a virgin."

The man was stunned. "How is that possible? You've been married ten times!"

"Well," she began, "Husband #1 was a sales rep. He kept telling me how great it was going to be, but nothing ever happened. Husband #2 was in field services. He said everything checked out, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #3 was in software services. He wasn't really sure how it was supposed to work but promised to look into it."

The man blinked in disbelief as she continued.

"Husband #4 was in finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but wasn't sure if it was really his job. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new method. Husband #6 was in telemarketing. Even though he had the order, he didn't know when he'd be able to deliver."

"Husband #7 was in marketing. He had a nice product, but wasn't sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. He just looked at it. And Husband #10? He was a stamp collector. Oh, how I miss him!"

She paused with a nostalgic smile on her face before continuing. "But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

The man, now thoroughly confused, asked, "Why?"

"Because you're a lawyer. This time, I know I'm going to get screwed!"

7. The Age of Wisdom

A 60-year-old millionaire was the talk of the town when he married a stunning 23-year-old beauty. At the wedding reception, his friends couldn't hide their envy.

"How did you manage to snag someone so young?" one of them asked, amazed.

With a twinkle in his eye, the millionaire leaned in and whispered, "Simple. I faked my age."

His friends were even more intrigued. "What age did you tell her?"

The millionaire grinned broadly and said, "I told her I was 87!"

8. The Eternal Dilemma

A young couple on their way to their wedding day tragically found themselves at the Pearly Gates after a car accident. Sitting outside, they wondered about their future.

"What do you think?" the groom asked. "Can we still get married in Heaven?"

"Let's ask St. Peter," the bride suggested. When St. Peter arrived, they posed their question. He scratched his head, clearly puzzled. "I don't know. No one's ever asked before. I'll have to find out," he said before disappearing into the celestial abyss.

Months passed, and the couple began to have second thoughts. "What if it doesn't work out?" the bride fretted. "Are we stuck together for eternity?"

Finally, St. Peter returned, looking a bit worn out. "Good news!" he announced. "You can get married in Heaven."

The couple sighed in relief but quickly followed up with another question. "But what if things go south? Can we get a divorce in Heaven too?"

St. Peter's face turned red with frustration. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

And there you have it — proof that newlywed life is as hilarious as it is unpredictable! If these jokes made you laugh, don't miss our next collection featuring even more funny moments from married life.

8 Funny Jokes about Married Couples

When David and Hillary first get married, David tells her, "I'm putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look inside of it."

For 30 years, Hillary kept her promise and never peeked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity gets the best of her.

She lifts the lid and peeks inside the box. To her surprise, there are three empty beer cans and $2,500 in cash.

That evening, over dinner, Hillary can't contain her guilt any longer. She confesses, "David, I'm so sorry. For all these years, I've kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. But today, the temptation was too much, and I gave in and looked."

"Now I need to know, why do you keep the empty beer cans in the box?"

Read the full joke and more here.